Your Brain Isn’t Broken. It’s Just Dramatic: Fear of Failure, Explained.
Written by: Kelsey McVey, LCSW
If you’ve ever stared at a half-written email for 20 minutes because you couldn’t figure out whether “Best” or “Thanks” sounded more professional or you sat assessing if you used too many exclamation points, then you’re not alone. Most high-functioning, ambitious people live in a near constant state of low-grade alert. Not because anything is actually wrong, but because your brain loves to treat potential embarrassment like a five-alarm fire.
There’s good news though, your brains isn’t broken – its just being dramatic.
So let’s break it down and learn how to “undramatize” your brain.
Let’s think about your brain like this: You basically have two “modes” running your brain.
One is your automatic brain. It’s fast, emotional, and dramatic. It drives on autopilot and it reacts before you’ve had time to think. It’s the one that makes your stomach drop when your boss sends you “can you hop on a call quick?” in a team’s chat.
The other is your thinking brain. It’s slower, logical, and much calmer. It’s the one that can rationally remind you that the call is likely just about something they need help with in that moment. Not that you’re being fired.
Fear of failure shows up when our automatic brain is in the driver’s seat while your thinking brain got stuck in the trunk.
But Why Am I Like This?
Over time, your brain started connecting success with belonging and failure with rejection.
So now, failing at something isn’t just disappointing. It’s personal. It feels like you’re being exposed. Like people might actually see you for the fraud that you are.
Your body starts to react instantly:
Your heart speeds up.
Your shoulders tense.
Your thoughts race straight to those worst-case scenarios.
And suddenly, applying for the job, sharing the idea, submitting the project, or speaking up in the meeting feels risky in a way that’s hard to explain to anyone who doesn’t “get it.”
Real Threats vs. “Overactive” Threats
Your body doesn’t come with a great filter for modern life.
It reacts the same way to:
A genuinely unsafe work environment.
And a Slack message that just says “You got a sec?”
Here are some examples:
Real threats:
A boss who is verbally aggressive.
A workplace that crosses boundaries.
Relationships that feel controlling or unsafe.
These situations deserve action and protection.
Your brain’s overactive threats:
A performance review.
Public speaking.
Posting something on LinkedIn.
Raising your hand in a meeting.
Trying something new and possibly being average at it… or even worse, not good at all.
Unfortunately, you’re body doesn’t know the difference between the two. It reacts first and asks questions later.
How Fear of Failure Limits Your Life.
Fear of failure rarely shows up as “I’m scared.”
It sounds more like:
“I’m just not ready yet.”
“I’ll do it when I’m more prepared.”
It gives you feedback like:
“You will mess up.”
“People will judge you.”
And It keeps you from:
Going after roles you actually want.
Letting people see your real ideas.
Saying what you really think.
Taking risks that could change your life in a good way.
In then end though, it’s important to remember. Most people don’t regret what they tried. They regret what they convinced themselves they weren’t ready for and opportunities they didn’t take because fear was leading the show.
Where This Pattern Starts.
People who are ambitious, capable, and reliable usually don’t develop a fear of failure out of nowhere. It tends to start early.
In childhood, you likely learned what earned praise and what didn’t. You picked up on what got approval and what triggered disappointment. Over time, you figured out where it felt safe to shine and when it was smarter to blend in and stay unnoticed.
By the time you hit high school, everything started to feel like it counted. Your grades. Popularity. Performance. Where you might go to college. And let’s be honest, only the “best” outcomes got the kind of praise that really landed. Honor Roll, top schools, high achievement. You weren’t just chasing succeses, you were chasing that feeling of being seen and admired.
Then came college, where the pressure turned all the way up. Now you’re juggling big classes, new friends, shared living spaces, and independence all at once. This is often where fear of rejection and failure starts hitting differently. Theres a deep craving for reassurance and a strong pull toward anything the feels psychologically safe.
Now enter your first job after college or grad school. Here comes imposter syndrome, if it hasn’t shown up already. Everyone else looks like they have it all figured out, all while you might be wondering if anyone can sense that you’re “faking it until you make it.”
And now? You’re likely more capable than you’ve ever been. More confident, technically. But burn out is crashing in and somehow the fear of failing continues to show up, despite being competent.
Makes perfect sense, right?
Obviously.
A Healthier Relationship With Fear Is Possible.
The trick here is that you don’t actually have to get rid of fear to overcome it. You just have to stop letting it sit in control. You have to learn how to befriend your fear and keep it close to know what it’s telling you but far enough away to see it for what it really is. And sometimes it’s just a pathological liar trying to sabotage you.
Instead of letting it run the show, try this instead:
Name what’s happening.
Instead of “I can’t do this,” try: “My brain thinks I’m in danger.”
It sounds silly, but it works. When we detach ourselves from our thoughts like this it allows us to actually see just how out of sync that thought might be. Or worst case scenario; you realize it’s actually a true threat, in which now you know your body is reacting correctly and you can start to take action.
Gradually Expose yourself to failure.
Exposure work is one of the most effective ways to teach your nervous system how to sit with fear of failure.
Think about how we teach kids to swim. You don’t take a child and toss them into the deep end on the first day. If you did, they would develop a lifelong fear of water. And honestly, that makes sense. Their body thought it was about to drown.
Instead, we start small. First they touch the water. Then they dip their toes in. Then sit on the edge and splash around. Step by step, they build comfort until they trust themselves enough to float, and then swim. Water becomes associated with safety and mastery, not panic.
Fear of failure works in the exact same way. You don’t overcome it by doing the scariest thing first. You teach your system that failure wont end you by starting small.
I know what you’re thinking… Why would I ever want to practice failing? I hate failing. And honestly? Same…
But failure isn’t a character flaw, it’s part of learning. Every scientific breakthrough, every medical advancement, every innovation you admire was built on thousands of failed attempts. Failure, when looked at constructively, isn’t the opposite of success. It’s the pathway to it.
So start small: Speak once in a meeting. Apply for the thing. Send the email without rereading it ten times. Introduce yourself instead of waiting to be introduced. You don’t need to overhaul your life. You just need to let yourself be human in small doses.
Fail on Purpose.
Let your life include places where you’re not impressive. Try something you’re almost certain you wont be good at. Take a beginners class. Post a picture without a filter. Send the email with a typo in it.
These are reps for your nervous system. You are teaching your brain “I can survive if I fail. I can survive not being perfect.”
Borrow Confidence From Evidence.
Think about your mind like this. Imagine having a Pac-Man running around collecting evidence about you. But, that Pac-Man’s mouth was shaped by fear of failure a long time ago. So when something happens that contradicts your fear, like praise, success, moments of competence, the Pac-Man can’t “eat” it. It doesn’t fit the shape and therefore rejects it.
But when something reinforces your fear, like missing a deadline or forgetting it was pajama day at school, the Pac-Man devours it immediately. Over time, your brain starts to only store the evidence that reinforces the fear of failure. “You’re not good enough.” “You’re a fraud.” “You just got lucky.”
When positive moments do occur, your brain starts to edit them. It’s the “Yeah, but that wasn’t that hard.” “Yeah, but anyone could have done that.” Yeah, but I should have done it better.” Sound familiar? This is called discounting. And most anxious minds are masters of it.
The goal here is not to change your experiences. It’s to change the Pac-Man.
Let yourself take in all of the evidence. The good, bad, messy, successful, and awkward. Let it exist without judging or rewriting it. When we do this, we start to shift our thinking from “I am a failure” to “I have failed sometimes, and I have succeeded many times.”
This can be a powerful shift. When you start thinking in this way, trying new things suddenly feels less threatening. Not because you become fearless, but because you can finally access the evidence that you are capable. Not just the evidence that keeps you stuck.
Let fear out of the trunk and into the passenger seat.
It might still slam its imaginary foot on the brake and try to take control, but it doesn’t actually stop you. Don’t shove the fear down when it shows up. Notice it. Name it. Let it ride along while you keep moving forward and watch how it rises and falls as you move through the experience.
And Always Remember - You’re More Capable Than Your Fear Lets You Think. Just Remind Yourself - It’s Just Your Brain Being Dramatic Again.
If you’re someone who feels like fear of failure is holding you back and need more support. Reach out! Let’s chat. Therapy can be a useful tool to work through all those unhelpful thoughts and behaviors keeping you from living the life you want to live. Available to those who live in North Carolina, Maryland, Wisconsin, South Carolina, and Florida.
